The boys are going out to run errands with Dad. When they get in the car, they both turn around and get out.
B — Eeew! it stinks in there!
R — It smells putrid!
Tag Archives: humor
Your wish is my command
Mom — B, would you please put away the trains?
B — Okey dokey. If you say so… I would do anything for you, Mom!
Homewrecker
R — Mom!!! There’s an earwig in here! (Then, after the bug has been removed,) It was in my shoe. Do you think he has family in there?
Look before you leap
R, talking to B at the table — …first you date them to find out if you like them, and then you get married. That’s why Dad and Mom were dating before they got married.
B –Yeah. They dated when they met.
R — Dad, why did you date Mom? Did you think she was pretty?
Dad — I liked her.
R — So you wanted to date her for a few weeks before you got married?
Mom — We dated for five years.
R — Five years?! You wanted to be sure?
Slip n slide
I have asked R to walk on my back to massage it.
R — If your back weren’t so chubby I wouldn’t keep slipping off it…
You say “potato”…
The boys are getting out of the bathtub.
Mom — B, Hold on to that handle when you step out! If you fell, you would really hurt your crotch.
B — What’s my “crouch”?
Mom – Your crotch. The part of your body between your legs.
B — Why didn’t you just say my testicles?
Retirement planning
R — Mom, does everybody have to have a job?
Mom — Most everyone. Most people need to work so they can have money to buy food and gas and stuff.
R — Does anyone live normally?
Mom — What do you mean?
R — Well, do any people live at home normally and not have jobs?
Mom — Some people.
R — I think when I grow up I just want to live normally. I’ll live with you and we can share your money.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Dad is playing Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” in the car.
R — This song is about how she lost her phone and her keys.
Mom — The whole song?
R — Well, she’s talking about how she lost those things. If you lose your phone, you lose everything!
Mom — I would be in trouble if I lost my purse.
R — Why?
Mom — Because it’s where I keep all of my things. My money, my phone, and my keys. I’d be in trouble if I lost it!
R — You mean it’s the law?
Mom — What? No. I mean I would have a hard time without it and all my stuff in it.
R — Oh. You mean another kind of trouble, not the kind you get punished for.
Non sequitur
In the car. The boys are eating ice cream cones from McDonald’s.
B — I almost ate the paper on the bottom of the cone!
R — Me, too!
B — I ate it one time, remember?
R — You did?
B — Yes. But I spit most of it out. I swallowed some of it, though.
Mom — Gross. Like a goat! Goats eat all kinds of garbage.
B — I know.
R — A goat would probably eat all the paper on the cone.
B — Yeah. Mom, if I were a goat, I would eat Santa for dinner.
the kitchen notebook 